The Roasting Friend Speech

Hi everyone! I'm [Friend's name], and I'm here to tell you the truth about [Groom's name]. For too long, people have been fooled into thinking he's a normal human being.

Today, I'm here to set the record straight. [Groom's name] is – and I say this with love – absolutely ridiculous. He's the kind of person who will spend thirty minutes looking for his phone while he's talking on it.

He once got lost in a grocery store and had to call someone for directions. A grocery store! But despite his numerous flaws, he's one of the best friends I have.

He's loyal, he's kind, and he has this infectious enthusiasm for life that makes you want to be a better person. And then he met [Bride's name]. I watched the transformation.

Suddenly, he cared about things like "matching" and "being on time." He started taking showers without being asked. It was like watching a caterpillar turn into a butterfly, except the butterfly is still a little ridiculous. [Bride's name], you're an absolute saint for taking him on.

You clearly have the patience of a saint, the sense of humor of a saint, and the questionable judgment of a saint for marrying this man. But I can see why. [Groom's name] would do anything for you.

He would move mountains for you. Probably slowly and in the wrong direction, but he'd do it. [Bride's name] and [Groom's name], may your marriage be filled with laughter, love, and the strong understanding that some things in life – like [Groom's name]'s fashion choices – will never change, and that's okay. So here's to you both!