A roast for the bride from her oldest friend

Hello everyone. I'm [Your name], and I've known [Bride's name] since we were eleven years old. That's over twenty years of friendship, which means I know where all the bodies are buried. Metaphorically. Mostly.

Now, [Bride's name] likes to present herself as this poised, put-together woman. And she is. Today. But I remember the girl who once cried because she thought her goldfish was judging her. I remember the teenager who went through an entire bottle of Sun-In in one afternoon and turned up to school looking like a traffic cone. I remember the university student who accidentally sent a love letter to her tutor instead of her boyfriend. Different David, same inbox.

[Bride's name] also has a unique relationship with cooking. She once made a lasagne that could have been classified as a building material. She set off the smoke alarm making toast. Twice. In one morning. [Groom's name], I hope you like takeaway.

But here's what I also know about [Bride's name]. She's the first person to call when things go wrong. She remembers every birthday, every anniversary, every small thing that matters to the people she loves. She's fierce and funny and the most loyal person in any room.

[Groom's name], you're getting the whole package. The burnt toast, the dramatic goldfish stories, the enormous heart. I promise you, it's worth it. Every single chaotic, wonderful bit of it.

To [Bride's name] and [Groom's name] - may your life together be as entertaining as [Bride's name]'s cooking is terrifying. Love you both!