A double roast for the happy couple

Evening everyone. I'm [Your name], and since I'm friends with both [Bride's name] and [Groom's name], I've decided to be fair and roast them equally. Starting with [Groom's name], because alphabetical order isn't a thing I care about.

[Groom's name]. Mate. You are the only person I know who has been outsmarted by a self-checkout machine. Not once. Regularly. You also hold the world record for the most times someone has said "I'll be ready in five minutes" and meant forty-five.

Now [Bride's name]. Darling. You are wonderful and kind and I once watched you argue with a satnav for ten minutes because you were convinced it was wrong. It was not wrong. You drove an extra hour. Also, you describe every meal you eat as "quite nice actually" regardless of whether it's a Michelin-star dinner or a petrol station sandwich. You have no range.

Together, you two are something else entirely. You once got lost driving to a restaurant that was four streets from your flat. You argued about who left the back door open for three days before realising it was the cat. You went to IKEA together on a Bank Holiday and somehow came out still in love, which honestly might be your greatest achievement.

But here's the thing. Behind all the chaos, there are two people who genuinely adore each other. Who make each other laugh until they cry. Who would choose each other in every room, every time, no question.

So yes, you're both ridiculous. But you're ridiculous together, and that's what makes it work. To [Bride's name] and [Groom's name] - may you never stop laughing at each other. And with each other. But mainly at. Cheers!